Friday, August 12, 2011

My defender, and yours too

So let me tell you that part of the reason I am blogging is because I feel like the Lord is doing and showing me some pretty incredible things. I've just got to tell you about them. Even if the Lord speaks to one person through one post and that is the only purpose it serves, than that is purpose enough. As you may have noticed- I don't really have information about me on the site. Location, picture, age, etc. Maybe that isn't right, but I don't care about you knowing me when it comes to this. I just want you to hear about Him. Yes, the stories and experiences are mine - but they are about the one true God. His love for me is just the same as it is for you. You have got to hear a piece of what He is capable of.

This story is hard for me to share. It is vulnerable, you will get to walk into a picture of my own personal pain, and good grief what if someone who knows me is reading it!? But the Lord reminds me and prompts me that it is His story, that He wants it shared. All to His glory, right? Isn't that what we mean when we say, Lord- I give you my life? Ok, putting my pride on the ground, and writing to you.

While there have been many times in my life that one could describe as horrific and hellacious, there is one time in particular that was uniquely more difficult.  I started to face a different intensity of battles when I learned who I was truly fighting. When I learned of the realms of evil that were trying to take me down, trying to squash everything the Lord had set out for me, I had to put on my armor and fight.

Most of this started in my mind. My thoughts were constantly being manipulated down the road of defeat and destruction. My emotions followed. My emotions screamed of despair, anxiety and rejection. Almost every lie in the book, this girl wrestled with.

One night, I could feel the torment and raging battle occurring over, around, and in me. Truly the work of the enemy and his followers doing everything they could to trick me, smother me and confuse me. I was so weak. I did not have the strength to fight. I felt like a leaf being tossed in the wind. I kept trying to grasp for truth to hold onto but it kept slipping out of my hands as the enemy seemed so convincing. His arguments were logical, they made sense. And I had believed them my whole life- God sounded more like the crazy one. Fear told me, "You aren't okay. You will never be okay. You deserve the grave. You are unlovable, undesirable. Rejected because you aren't worth loving. No one should want you. You are the crazy one."  "No. I know the truth," I said out loud. "God says I am chosen by Him. His love makes me worthy.   But how, but why. Look at who I am, look at who I have been, and listen to what all of them are saying about me. My own flesh and blood doesn't even want me."
Despair stepped up, "This is your life forever. Just look at your history, a life filled with pain and misery. How could anything ever be better? How could anything ever change? You'll just squander any good thing you are given. You don't know how to handle good things."  I clung to, "God is a god of hope. God is a god of Hope." 
I could keep writing you about the about the overwhelming torment, but it would take forever. It was all so fast, so quick. Like a lawyer attacking me in trial. It was too quick for me to think. I didn't know enough truth to stand against them. Like getting beat with a baseball bat, I didn't have time to fight, much less the ability to stand up. I didn't know how to defend myself.

I had no man here to fight with me. I had no strength. I didn't have a person who knew the truth that could stand firm over me and speak it as I was tossed to and fro.

I cried out to God. Make it stop, make it stop. I can't stop the flood and I am drowning! I cried. I bawled tears of desperation and panic. I'm going to drown Lord, I am going to drown, I am going to sink! I can't see, I cant see! Please God, please help me!

It was then that He did something I will never forget. He showed up. Not that He isn't always with me- but He showed up. I layed there and it was like He put this shield over me that completely encompassed me. I'm not kidding. I could feel it. I could feel His protection and presence over me. He said to me in a clear voice louder than everything my thoughts and emotions were telling me, "I am bigger than all of this." The battle instantly ended. It was like I could feel Him standing in front of me with His shield and sword in hand telling Evil, "This is my child- GET AWAY FROM HER." I felt His presence. He covered me in peace and love. He rocked me in His sweet arms and told me that He was there. Comforted me and told me that I was His. This is what it means to be hidden in Him. He is my protector, He is my defender, He will never leave my side. He despises the evil that tries to attack and destroy His children. But He is bigger. He is the Lord, the God almighty. The one who parts the seas and heals the blind. Who takes on our diseases and sickness. You think that is only a story of old? Let me tell you the truth- He took my disease and He carried my sickness. He set me free. He is setting me free.

If you're alone- let me tell you that God is enough. He is bigger than all of this. He can be your Family, your Best Friend, your Father, Lover of your soul, Comforter, Counselor, and Healer. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is your God and you are His child.

He is grounding me in truth and doesn't let me forget that I am His. Satan is just a bully, or maybe we should call him a cruel psychopath - powerful and cunning- yes. But I have Papa with me- and you should see the depth of His love and the size of His shield.

I, my friend, am His child. And if you know Him as your Savior, you are too.

Psalm 145:20
"The Lord preserves all those who love Him, but the wicked He will destroy."

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